| the consonants & vowels; the consequence of sound. |
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i am a disposable dixie cup drinker.
the consonants & vowels; the consequence of sound
The only people for me are the mad ones, the ones who are mad to live, mad to talk, mad to be saved, desirous of everything at the same time, the ones who never yawn or say a commonplace thing, but burn, burn, burn, like fabulous yellow roman candles exploding like spiders across the stars and in the middle you see the blue centerlight pop and everybody goes “Awww!"
( hannah lee hoskisson )
USERINFO FRIENDS UPDATE MEMORIES ARCHIVES
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[Sunday
September 16th, 2007 at 9:24am] |
THIS JOURNAL IS DEAD!
i have a new one, ![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif) somnolesque that i will be updating frequently as i once did this, very long ago. anyone can add me there & ill make sure to add you back...i just dont have time to go through my friends list & add you all!
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[Monday
April 16th, 2007 at 3:50pm] |
between sideways glances in dark cubbyholes of cars not belonging to us & half-smiles reciprocated following taunts & teases, i have yet to uncover your true ambitions. (i saw that lip-on-the-verge-of-curling through the corner of my vision, it traveled from the rims of my muddy brown orbs back up through the heart of my cornea where it made its nest.) between wind intertwining with my tangled hair forcing visions of you to become like the jumpy shots movies of the old day produced, i can nearly make out the outline of your phenomenal bone structure, completely unblemished as if untouched...oh wait, the strand of hair migrated & i could have sworn i made out a slight laceration, an old scar perhaps? -REEL MISSING- did i just unveil a flaw upon you, godliest of all gods? maybe i just blinked & the perception refused to adjust. maybe my mind manipulated it; i have still not located your broken dreams & regretful unsaids. between feverish heavy heads propping up even heftier hearts & sloppy successions of kisses (as if these lips will never mesh with yours again; as if you believe i could even conceive allowing another to devour them) i have yet to reveal your reality. i have yet to reveal you.
...and then, as the earth rotates oh-so-sleepily, oh-so-slowly, your limbs revolve at a speed thousands times quicker than that of the universe's children. this moment we have both manufactured & demolished disintegrates into the friend-of-our's carpet, not belonging to us. is everything we own borrowed? everything we love a hand-me-down? the earth is still spinning, my head may be spinning as well but your presence is not; no, you are as inanimate & unflinching as the apocalypse. i wasnt supposed to make it through the earth's annihilation, who would have fashioned both you & i would be the last known survivors. the dilemma is it is near impossible to ever interlock again; so much dirt to swim through, so many oceans to tread through, so many miles to maneuver. and even if we were to overcome all of these obstacles, who is to say our hearts would still be in the same time zone?
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[Saturday
March 24th, 2007 at 9:05am] |
usually, my dreams are very vivid & hard to distinguish from experiences in my waking life, but never ever have i felt so much emotion in a single dream as the one i had last night. i woke up with tears down my face & a throbbing headache that echoed the confusion the dream itself inflicted. of course, as when all memories are reduced, summarized, or retold, they are never as powerful or detailed as justice should provide, but i am going to try my damndest to recount this one as eloquently as i can in hopes that someone may know what some of this means:
so, the dream began in a classroom, where i was sitting and zoning off, tuning everyone out, similar to what i normally do during a typical school day in waking life. however, all of a sudden, i try to focus on the teacher, but everything she says makes no sense, even though i am listening attentively. it isnt that she is saying vocabulary words i cant comprehend but rather that all her words are melting together into one and are impossible to distinguish. i end up leaving confused.
now, this is where it begins getting much too real & disturbing & overwhemling for me. remember, everything in my dream thus far is nearly identical to my every day waking life. my mom picks me & my sister & kelsey & nathan up from school, like normal. she drops them off, we walk in & i say, "i dont think i want to go to the gym today." this is somewhat odd since i usually want to go & even if i dont feel up to it, i force myself to. my mother says this is fine & i go to my room, lie on the bed & "fall asleep." i put that in quotes because i am already sleeping, but now somehow in my dream i begin to dream! this is so odd to me. i have had many dreams before where i have "awakened" in the dream believing that i have truly woken up only to find that i am still dreaming. they are called false awakenings. but in this dream i was actually falling asleep & dreaming! the dream i had was nice, about a past lover & i reuniting. however, as i was dreaming in my dream i woke up to find myself in our car in the backseat. i instantly became extremely confused & disoriented, asking my parents where i was going but none of them so much as uttered a word or turned around. i began going into hysterics, screaming "WHERE AM I GOING??! PLEASE TELL ME!!!" only to get the backs of their bodies & absence of their answers. after a while i stop crying & yelling & just sit in a sort of numb silence. as the car finally comes to a stop, my mom & dad open my door & shout at someone to come take me. at this point i begin screaming & crying because i dont understand where i am or where i am supposed to be going & then some large man much much stronger than me picks me up as im kicking & flailing & i look at my parents & they look sad & say "we're sorry, we have to do this..." & all of a sudden something goes into my skin & i grow completely calm, numb, unfeeling. it seems i "go to sleep" again & when i awaken it doesnt take long for me to put the pieces together & conclude i am a patient in a mental hospital. there is a girl in my room with me named amy & she has a white coat on, like in the song. she looks like me, like when she was in my last dream, only a thinner, darker-haired, paler skinned me. a more dead me. i dont know why there are always references to that song in my dreams. the girl is really sad & doesnt talk at all. she just cries & cries all day & i become angry rather than empathetic after a while. at one point, after being in this hospital (which looks like a home...no one has even checked on us; doctors & family included) for quite some time, she continues to cry & i start shaking her violently & then she stops. then it seems that i cannot stop crying after that. one day i go to sleep again (in my dream) and wake up in my dad's car with my siblings & he says we are driving to get my mom a birthday present. im not sure if i have been pulled out of the institution or if i dreamed it up. i remember consciously contemplating asking my father which of the two it was & then deciding not to mention it in fear of some insane paradox i made up: if i ask him if i was, that proves i am crazy & will land me into one for the first time...or, i dont ask & end up back at it after this little trip. i become very frustrated & upset. we shop for my mom & then i fall asleep (again!) & when i wake up there is a man that is the same one that drug me out of my car pacing back & forth with a huge stick saying he is going to kill someone & he is supposed to be a psychiatrist-type. i become very very frightened & then the last thing i remember at the institution is my little brother coming in, just my little brother & he hands me a chocolate bar. he looks so innocent & confused & he doesnt understand & i catch our reflections in the mirror & the looks on our faces are the same. i fall asleep again, but this time when i wake up i am in my real bed & i tell my mom all about this dream & she just shakes her head & then i ask, "what?" and she says, "honey, thats not a dream. i thought you learned..." and now hear i am, i finally woke up (hopefully). this is all too much. i felt so incredibly betrayed. i also felt constantly nauseous in this dream. it was very very cold. also, at some point toward the end, i was in a car with my friend katie & some woman & they were laughing at me calling me crazy.
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EMOTIONS FELT IN DREAM:
To dream that you are confused may reflect your true confused state of mind and the nonsensical events of your dream. Isolate the single element in your dream that is confusing to you and analyze the meaning of that particular symbol. Alternatively, dreams of confusion signifies that you are being pulled in opposite directions or do not know which viewpoint is right. To dream that you have been betrayed represents your suspicions about a particular person, relationship or situation. This dream often occurs when you are having feelings of insecurity and are faced with major commitments in your life at the same time. To dream that you or others are in distress suggest that things will turn out better than you expected. You will find that all your worries were for nothing and need to lighten up. To dream that you feel fear signifies that you achievements will not be as successful as you had anticipated. You are having anxieties in certain circumstances of your life. However, your worries will be temporary and short-lived. To dream that you feel frustrated represents your difficulty in coping with a situation in your daily life. It may reflect your concerns that your life is not going in the direction you want. To dream that you have nausea signifies that you are suffering from a sickening situation or condition in which you are trying to rid yourself of. To dream that you feel numbness signifies illness and unfavorable conditions in your health. To dream that you are in a panic indicates a lack of control and power in your life. You may be feeling helpless in some situation or unable to make a clear decision. To dream that you or someone is yelling represents repressed anger that need to be expressed. If you are yelling and no one hears, then it suggests that you are not being heard. You feel that your voice does not matter.To dream that you are sad signifies a positive turn of events. It is generally a good dream foretelling good things are about to happen in your near future. To see others afraid in your dream signifies that some friend will be too wrapped up in his or her own problems then to help you out with some favor. To dream that you are crying signifies a release of negative emotions that is more likely caused by some waking situation rather than the events of the dream itself. Your dream is a way to regain some emotional balance and a way to safely let out your fears and frustrations. In our daily lives, we tend to ignore, deny, or repress our feelings. But in our dream state, our defense mechanisms are no longer on guard and thus allow for the release of such emotions. To see someone else crying in your dream may be a projection of your own feelings onto someone else. If you do not cry in your waking life, then seeing someone else cry may be a little easier to deal with then seeing yourself cry. To wake up crying, represents some suppressed hurt or previous trauma that is coming up to the surface. You can no longer suppress these emotions. They need to be dealt with head on. To dream that no one hears or responds to your cries represents your helplessness and difficulties and frustrations in trying to communicate with others. You feel that your words are falling on deaf ears. Perhaps your dream is telling you to be more vocal and work harder to get your point across. To dream that you are cold indicates that you are experiencing a breakthrough in some area in your life. Alternatively, you may be feeling isolated. You sense of coldness could reflect your feelings about that person. The dream may also occur as a result of your immediate environment in which you are really feeling cold. Emotions expressed in dreams is a way for people to act out their feelings which they would not normally express if they were awake. This provides a "safe" outlet for these emotions instead of letting them be pent up.
PEOPLE/ PLACES/ THINGS IN DREAM:
To dream that you are in school signifies feelings of inadequacy and childhood insecurities that have never been resolved. It may relate to anxieties about performance and abilities. You may also be going through a "spiritual learning" experience. Alternatively, a dream that takes place in school may be a metaphor for the lessons that you are learning from your waking life. To dream that you are at an asylum signifies sickness and ill luck in store for you. You will undergo some mental strain. Buildings may also represent the self. To dream that you are in a corner signifies feelings of frustration and lack of control in making decisions. You may feel trapped and "cornered". To see a hospital in your dream, symbolizes your need to heal or improve your physical or mental heath. You need to get back to the flow of everyday life. To dream of grocery or convenience stores suggests that you are emotionally and mentally strained. Alternatively, you may be brainstorming for new ideas or looking for the various choices out there for you. To see your brother in your dream may symbolize some aspect of your relationship with him. It can also serve to remind you that someone in your waking life has certain characteristics/behavior similar to your brother's. To see children in your dream, signifies your own childlike qualities or a retreat back to a childlike state. It is an extension of your inner child during a time of innocence, purity, simplicity, and a carefree attitude. You may be longing for the past and the chance to satisfy repressed desires and unfulfilled hopes. Take some time off and cater to the inner child within. Perhaps there is something that you need to see grow and nurtured. To see your friends in your dream, signifies aspects of your personality that you have rejected, but are ready to integrate these rejected part of yourself. Additionally, this symbol foretells of happy tidings from them and the arrival of good news. To dream that you are a guest denotes a circumstance or problem in your life that is temporary. To see a jailer in your dream, suggests that you are being restrained in some way, either by your own belief system or by someone. To dream that you are having a conversation with your mother denotes a matter that has preoccupied your mind and you are not sure how to deal with it in your waking life. It indicates unresolved problems that still need to be worked out with your mother. To hear your mother call you in our dream, signifies that you have been negligent in your duties and responsibilities. You are pursuing down the wrong path. To hear your mother cry in your dream, denotes some illness or affliction. To see a nurse in your dream denotes that you need to be taken care of and a time of healing, either mentally, physically or spiritually. To see your relatives in your dream signifies family issues or feelings. They represent some aspect of your own self. To see your sister in your dream, symbolizes some aspect of your relationship with her, whether it one of sibling rivalry, caring, protectiveness, etc. Your sister may draw attention to your family role and sense of belonging. It may also serve to remind you that someone in your waking life has characteristics similar to your sister. Alternatively, your sister may be a metaphor and actually refer to a nun. In this case, she may represent spiritual issues. To see a stranger in your dream, symbolizes the part of yourself that is repressed and hidden. To see your teacher (past or present) in your dream suggests that you are seeking some advice, guidance, or knowledge. You are heading into a new path in life and ready to learn by example or from a past experience. Consider your own personal experiences with that particular teacher. What subject was taught? Alternatively, it may relate to issues with authority and seeking approval. You may going through a situation in your waking life where you feel that you are being treated like a student or in which you feel you are being put to a test. To see a traitor in your dream, suggests that you are feeling let down. Those around you may have disappointed you in some way. To dream that you are a victim forewarns that you will be oppressed and overpowered by your enemies. Such dreams suggest that you feeling powerless and helpless in a situation in your waking life. White represents purity, perfection, peace, innocence, dignity, cleanliness, awareness, and new beginnings. You may be experiencing a reawakening or have a fresh outlook on life. However, in Eastern cultures, white is associated with death and mourning. Eleven stands for intuition, mastery in a particular domain, spirituality, enlightenment, and capacity to achieve. It is symbolic of your creativity and visions. Thirty-Three represents high potential and mastery in your own spiritual consciousness.
To dream that you are sleeping denotes peace of mind. Alternatively, it may also mean that you are ignorant and not fully aware of the conditions and circumstances around you. If you are sleeping with a stranger, suggests that you are avoiding some issue or situation that is being symbolized by the stranger. Perhaps you are refusing to recognize a negative aspect of yourself. Sleeping may also be synonymous with death in that it beckons renewal and new beginnings. To dream that you are waking up in your dream indicates that something is missing or lacking in your life. There is an aspect of your life that you are not utilizing to its fullest potential. You are not recognizing your abilities.
WOW! it looks like it is time for things to change...
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[Monday
March 12th, 2007 at 8:23pm] |
a smile to remember | charles bukowski
we had goldfish and they circled around and around
in the bowl on the table near the heavy drapes
covering the picture window and
my mother, always smiling, wanting us all
to be happy, told me, "be happy Henry!"
and she was right: it's better to be happy if you
can
but my father continued to beat her and me several times a week while
raging inside his 6-foot-two frame because he couldn't
understand what was attacking him from within.
my mother, poor fish,
wanting to be happy, beaten two or three times a
week, telling me to be happy: "Henry, smile!
why don't you ever smile?"
and then she would smile, to show me how, and it was the
saddest smile I ever saw
one day the goldfish died, all five of them,
they floated on the water, on their sides, their
eyes still open,
and when my father got home he threw them to the cat
there on the kitchen floor and we watched as my mother
smiled
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[Sunday
February 4th, 2007 at 12:16pm] |
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"I like to see people reunited, maybe that's a silly thing, but what can I say, I like to see people run to each other, I like the kissing and the crying, I like the impatience, the stories that the mouth can't tell fast enough, the ears that aren't big enough, the eyes that can't take in all of the change, I like the hugging, the bringing together, the end of missing someone..."
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[Saturday
December 30th, 2006 at 4:07pm] |
so, i usually dont take any pictures when i go anywhere, but this time i actually took some of mine, chell, miquila & michael's road trip to six flags. it was way fun & a great way to end the winter break, especially since i love these people:
( a car full of introverted people, too much caffeine, xanax & valium, rollercoasters at night, hotel breakfasts & amazing times. :] )
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[Thursday
December 28th, 2006 at 1:54pm] |
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[Friday
December 8th, 2006 at 6:45pm] |
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"I can believe things that are true and I can believe things that aren't true and I can believe things that nobody knows if they're true or not. I believe that mankind's destiny lies in the stars. I believe that candy really did taste better when I was a kid, that it's aerodynamically impossible for a bumblebee to fly, that light is a wave and a particle, that there's a cat in a box somewhere who's alive and dead at the same time (although if they don't ever open the box to feed it it'll eventually just be two different kinds of dead), and that there are stars in the universe billions of years older than the universe itself. I believe in a personal god who cares about me and worries and oversees everything I do. I believe in an impersonal god who set the universe in motion and went off to hang with her girlfriends and doesn't even know that I'm alive. I believe in an empty and godless universe of casual chaos, background noise, and sheer blind luck. I believe that anyone who says that sex is overrated just hasn't done it properly. I believe that anyone who claims to know what's going on will lie about the little things too. I believe in absolute honesty and sensible social lies. I believe in a woman's right to choose, a baby's right to live, that while all human life is sacred there's nothing wrong with the death penalty if you can trust the legal system implicitly, and that no one but a moron would ever trust the legal system. I believe that life is a game, that life is a cruel joke, and that life is what happens when you're alive and that you might as well lie back and enjoy it. "
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[Sunday
October 15th, 2006 at 7:34pm] |
There she sat, a mound of flesh
with just two eyes to comprehend
the extensiveness of her being.
She made a mountain of herself,
so no one could look down.
So no one would miss or fail to see
the tiny woman hands that talked
desperately of delicate things.
Through a fist full of rings
to all who would stop and listen.
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[Tuesday
October 10th, 2006 at 3:34pm] |
are you one of the beautiful people
is my name on the list
wanna be of the beautiful people
wanna feel like i'm missed
hey you with the walkie talkie
i know my clothes are not right
i wish i had my own walkie talkie
that reached to god every night
everyone needs to be somebody
everyone needs to find someone who cares
but i don't know if you know what i mean
'cause i'm never on your list
are you one of the beautiful people
am i on the wrong track
sometimes it feels like i'm made of eggshell
and it feels like i'm gonna crack
everyone needs to be somebody
everyone needs to find someone who cares
but i don't know if you know what i mean
'cause i'm never on your list
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| haha, my thoughts exactly! |
[Sunday
September 24th, 2006 at 1:28pm] |
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here comes the sun by the beatles |
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"One phrase that come up quite a bit in abortion discussions is "sanctity of life."
What about that?
Do you think there's such a thing as sanctity of life?
Personally, I think it's a bunch of shit. Who says life is sacred? .....god?
Great, but if you read your history you know that god is one of the leading causes of death and has been
for thousands of years.
Hindus, Moslems, Christians, Jews, all taking turns killing one another, because god told them it was a good idea.
The sword of god, the blood of the lamb, Vengeance is mine, onward Christian soldiers.
Millions of dead people. All because they gave the wrong answer to the god Question:
Do you believe in god?
No.
BAM! Dead.
How about you? Do you believe in god?
Yes."
Do you believe in MY god?
No.
BAM! Dead!
My god has a bigger dick than your god.
For thousands of years all the bloodiest and most brutal wars have been based on religious hatred.
Which of course, is fine with me; anytime "holy" people are killing one another, I'm a happy guy......
but please, don't kill each other and give me that shit about sanctity of life."
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[Wednesday
September 13th, 2006 at 10:32pm] |
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things are going to be a lot different now...
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| the gravedigger's gettin stuck in the machine... |
[Saturday
August 5th, 2006 at 11:51pm] |
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pavlovs daughter by regina spektor |
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she was sitting across from me
on the bus. i said, "the trees look so much greener in this part
of the country. in new york city
everything looks so drab." she said,
"it looks the same to me. show me
a tree thats different." "that one."
i said. "which one?" she said.
"its too late," i said. we already
passsed it." " when you find another one,"
she said, "let me know." and then
she went back to reading her book.
[im gone to santa cruz for a week; leave me something, please?]
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| wednesdays. |
[Friday
June 16th, 2006 at 9:06pm] |
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loose lips by kimya dawson |
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i dont feel like updating with the pictures of my birthday, but let's just say that was AMAZING.
anyway, this past wednesday and wednesday night, i spent it with my best friends in the whole wide world. =]
i hate summarizing things, so ill let these pictures explain it:
( freaks flock together! )
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[Tuesday
May 30th, 2006 at 9:55pm] |
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figure 8 by elliott smith |
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friendsonly.
comment and add; ill comment and add you back.
=]
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